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There are moments in your life when the entire world just stops.  The noise is replaced with a silence, time is frozen and your mind tries desperately to understand what is happening. On Dec 20^th at 7:19pm I was sitting at a restaurant having dinner with Kyle.  My contacts had been bothering me that day so I had taken them out.  We were grabbing something quick to eat before venturing out for some holiday shopping so I didn’t bother to bring my glasses into the restaurant.  I had my phone on the table next to my food when I saw an email come across the screen.  I swear it was bigger than I ever remember seeing any other email notification.  I looked down and as I read the subject line I could feel my heart stop.  It was blurry and I could hardly see it but I “thought” I saw the name.  I opened it but I couldn’t read it because I didn’t have my frigen contacts in.  No!  That is not what I am seeing!  I can’t be!  I handed the phone to Kyle and asked him to read it.  He said, “There is something about someone dying, something about an asthma attack and lost oxygen for 30 minutes”.  I had seen the person’s name in the subject line of the email but my brain just wasn’t allowing me to fully process it.  In my head I just kept telling myself “I am reading it wrong, it’s blurry, I don’t have my glasses in….that is NOT what I am seeing”!  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I had also seen what I thought said “OMG he died” in the blurb that shows up when you look at your emails.  Yet I kept asking “Who is it? Who died?” Kyle was in the email so he didn’t see the name in the subject line.  It felt as if the entire room was beginning to suffocate me.  I couldn’t think.  What was happening?  I took the phone out of his hand, closed the email and said, “There, there in the subject line…what is the name”.  He said, “Paul Kelly”.  I couldn’t speak or think or move.  Then the tears started and I quickly left the restaurant.

I have so much to say about all of this so I truly hope you will all stay with me as I bounce all over the place.  As this is the year of authenticity this blog is not about being politically correct or tiptoeing around everyone’s feeling.  This is my perception, these are my feeling this is my life unfolding minute by minute.  This is me sharing my TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF….my sadness, my anger, my disappointment, my confusion, my pain and the wonderful memories of someone who changed my life forever.

For those of you who have truly known since my NY days (as I like to refer to it) you will know how devastating this loss was to me.  Paul Kelly was truly my Twin Soul.  Like many Twin Souls real life got in the way and while our relationship did not work out he was, is and always will be a huge part of my heart and my soul.  There was not a doubt in either one of our minds that we have shared many lives together.  Our connection and experiences together are something I will treasure forever.

For those of you who never had the pleasure of meeting Paul, he looked like Jesus and John Lennon with the long hair and his hippie vibe.  There is not a person who met Paul who didn’t like him.  He was always the nice guy, the fun guy, and the smart guy…the guy who would do anything for anyone.  Paul became a Massage Therapist during our time together and he was one of the best!  He loved Mountain Biking, hiking, photography and helping people.  In fact, if you will indulge me I would love to share one of my many memories of Paul with you.  Also all of the nature photos in this blog were pictures he took.  I thought it would be nice to share them as a way to honor his memory.

I remember the first time he took me mountain biking.  I honestly thought Mountain Biking meant riding dirt bikes in the woods.  Imagine my surprise when I got to his house and he showed me the bike I would be using!  I thought where is the motor?

 I swear we had been biked for miles.  Thank God we were on a paved path. Paul kept looking back (yes I was way behind him pedaling for my life) to make sure I was okay.  And YES I was just as stubborn back then so even thought I was sure I was having a heart attack I kept saying, “I am fine, this is GREAT”.   Finally he stopped and said how do you feel?  GREAT (I lied).  He said, “Awesome are you ready to hit the trail now”?  What the Hell!  The trail?  What we were on the last few miles, I asked.  He goes, “Oh that is just the road in”! Oh God please help me.  I am not kidding when I tell you I couldn’t even feel my legs by this point.  But I was NOT giving in.

I honestly don’t remember how long we were riding but I was doing pretty good. Luckily every inch of my body had gone into shock and I couldn’t feel anything (I wasn’t in the best shape then).  And then I saw it.  A HUGE and I mean huge hill that went straight down!  YEAH HA I thought!  No pedaling! I can catch my breath.  As my eyes followed the HUGE hill to the bottom I noticed that the hill then went back UP!  Like 90 degrees!  We stopped at the top and Paul looked at me and said, “Now this maybe too much for you since it is your first time so you may want to stop at the bottom, get off and walk the bike up the hill.” ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I am NOT giving him the satisfaction of thinking I can’t do this.  I braced myself and headed down the hill.

Well that was fun!  However, now I had to get back up the hill.  I swear I just didn’t know how I was going to do it. The hill was so steep that I was pedaling and not even going anywhere.  Paul was at the top (already) supportively yelling down, “Just take your time, you got this”.  There was no way I was going to make it.  But I WAS not GOING TO walk MY BIKE UP THE HILL! NOT HAPPENING! Then it hit me.  Maybe I should look at how far I have to go but instead just pick a spot to make it to.  Yeah, that leaf up ahead. I will just pedal to that leaf.  Then there is a stick. I will just pedal to that stick! Oh and there is a rock a few feet ahead.  I will just pedal to that rock.  And so on and so on.  I did that the entire way up the hill and guess what….I DID IT!

I learned a very valuable lesson that day (the first of many I would learn as a result of meeting Paul).  I learned that sometimes life can get overwhelming and during those times we just have to take things one step at a time.  Sometimes looking at the big picture is just too much and it is much easier to focus on the next thing.  On a side note you may recognize this photo as it is the cover of my Body Mind Spirit Meditation CD which Paul designed for me….he also did the artwork for my Create Your Reality Meditation CD.

Paul had move to Florida back in 2004.  The last time I spent time with him was in 2012 when he came to spend a few weeks with me in NY before I moved to North Carolina.  We had discussed the possibility of him relocating to North Carolina and us helping each other out as friends but clearly the Universe had different plans.  After I moved we disconnected completely from each other.  He was still trying to create a life for himself in Florida and I was about to embark on a whole new chapter in my life.  It wasn’t easy.  Honestly it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done but I think we both knew we needed to move forward.  Sometimes too strong of a connection gets in the way (but that is for another day).

Life can be so ironic.  It wasn’t even a week ago I was talking to a client about her daughter.   I was told to tell her that until her daughters need to be respected was more important than her need to be accepted her life was never going to change.  The client and I thought that was so profound and we laughed how we were going to write that down!  She actually told me I needed to do a “Morning Thoughts Video” on the topic.  Like many of us Paul had many sides to him and behind his smile there was also sadness.  It always seemed that his need to be liked by the world was always more important that his own happiness.  But then again isn’t that how we all are at times?   I found out about Paul a few days before Christmas.  The day after I found out I left work and went to spend some time in the woods (that was our favorite place to relax). I had my family coming in, shop was busy, people depending on me, Kyle’s birthday, my son’s birthday and lots of things to do.  So I put a smile on my face, focused on the present moment and took a giant deep breathe.  I gave myself permission to be happy, honored the overwhelming moments when the tears welled up and allowed myself to be wherever I needed to be in that moment.  As I write this blog I have now been in my pj’s for 2 days.  I needed to just be quiet, still and to hide away from the world for just a moment. Even with all I know and all I do I still need time just like everyone else to process it all.

No loss is the same.  No one should ever tell you that they know how you feel.  Yes, I know he is okay and yes I have received signs from him but what I do for a living doesn’t make the loss any less painful (so please don’t ask me stupid question like why can’t you just talk to him) .  There is no RIGHT way to process, there is no RIGHT way to grieve and there is no way to skip over the pain you feel.  Your emotions are your emotions and they should be honored.  I get to be angry about the way that I found out through a frigen email!  I get to be sad I didn’t get to say goodbye even thought I know everything unfolds exactly as it is suppose to.  I understand that the love for one person does not take away from the love for another.  However, at the end of the day we all  need to remember…..if your loved one was here and you were on the other side what you want for them? Paul wanted everyone to be happy all the time!  So as I end this blog I remind all of you to be TRUE TO YOU, to be happy, to be supportive of one another, to give yourself permission to live the life you want.

Paul I thank you for all the love, lessons and memories…Till we meet again…   ~;~ ~:~