Have ya heard about “the filter”? Well if you haven’t I am about to change your life, your relationships and how you communicate with the people in your life! Grab a notebook and get ready to make your life a lot easier!
So here is the deal…we all have what I refer to as filters! Our filter determines how we truly hear things. Some of us have positive filters and some of us have negative filters. Our filters depend of a lot of things like our upbringing, our past experiences, etc. Let me give you an example!
Mark has a negative filter. As a child he was always yelled at and asked “why” he was doing something. He always felt like he made the wrong decisions as every decision he made was questioned. He learned to doubt himself. His parents never complimented him and everything he did was always just shy of being good enough.
Mike has a positive filter. As a child he was shown how to make decisions for himself. He was rewarded with positive words when he did good things and he was encouraged to try better when he did not so good things. His parents were always supportive and encouraging.
Someone tells Mark that they just heard about a job they think he would be great for and they hand him a name and number and tell him that he should look into it! Mark is immediately insulted. He thinks “what… my job isn’t good enough”? Even though the person was trying to help him in a positive way by the time it goes through his “filter” it becomes a negative!
That same person is talking with Mike and tells him about the same job. They also hand him the same name and phone number. Mike is thrilled and can’t thank them enough! He is honored that they thought of him and he can’t wait to get more information!
When we are talking to people we need to understand about their filters. It is not what you are saying, it is 
how you are saying it! Let’s look at another example.
Mary (the wife) has been feeling very lonely. Her and her husband Todd haven’t spent anytime together since Todd got his promotion. Todd is feeling a lot of pressure being thrown into a position he isn’t quiet ready for and he is feeling judged by everyone around him. As a result his filter is set to “judgement”. Every night when he gets home from work Mary is complaining about how they don’t spend time together. When those words go through his filter the “I am being judged again” bells go off and the walls go up. If Mary understood about the filter she could use a much different approach. Instead she could bring up something they did in the past that they both enjoyed! She could say something like, “Ya know Todd I was thinking about that day we took the afternoon to go hiking. I enjoyed that time we spent together so much. It was so much fun and I would love to do something like that again.” There is nothing in that approach that makes Todd feel like he is being judged and as a result he hears what Mary is saying without the defensive walls going up.
Putting your new found knowledge to use will take some observing and a little practice! But here are some tips to help keep you on track.
- Think about what your ultimate goal is
- Do not speak from hurt and anger
- Think about what that persons filter maybe and choose the proper language
Remember at the end of the day the goal is to be heard and move things in a better direction. Understanding peoples filters can help you to better communicate and that is what it is all about!
Happy Communicating!