As we get ready to kick off the holiday season this is the time of year that most people are writing about gratitude and being thankful. Those are great topics.  However, I am also aware that there are a lot of people who truly struggle during the holiday seasons so I am usually re-posting my blog called “The Other Side of the Holidays”.  This year everything seems so much more intense and there are so many more who are truly struggling.  On top of that, I recently had an experience that made me want to dig even deeper into what I feel is an important topic.  How can we truly help one another?  

Kyle and I had literally just moved into the new home we recently purchased.  We were so thrilled to finally be homeowners and to have the added bonus to now be living so close to my family.  Then out of nowhere, I received a call that just threw me into a state of absolute fear and panic!  Unfortunately in those moments, the world doesn’t stop. Most of us are not able to pause and take a break from life as we still have jobs/businesses to run, family responsibilities, and obligations.  While juggling my everyday life and waiting for more information I reached out to a few people who I thought could be helpful and supportive.  Boy was I in for a major disappointment! Now I don’t mean to be so secretive, it is just that the news involves someone else so I am not able to go into any more details right now. 

I have to be honest here and tell you I am still trying to wrap my brain around what is going on and dealing with the hurt and disappointment I have felt.  I have had a LOT of conversations with Kyle about this (he is always my rock)!  I have also talked to those around me who have been incredibly supportive as well as a lot of you who have shared your own stories about this topic!  As a result,  I have come to the conclusion that some people just really do not know how to be helpful in certain situations.  Recently we discussed this topic in one of my online classes and I was amazed by how many people had similar experiences and felt exactly the way I did…disappointed.

So here is the deal!  I have broken this down into 5 really simple steps that everyone can follow. Ready?  Here we go!  When someone comes to you and they are overwhelmed, they have received horrific news or they need support with something incredibly difficult that they are going through, here is what you need to know:

1.  Listen –  You just need to listen.  You don’t always need to have the answers or a solution. Just let them share their worries, their fears, and their concerns.  

Over the years I have had so many clients share with me their frustration with not being heard.  They share stories of how they have reached out for help only to have the person they reached out to tell them things like, “you will be fine, you are strong, don’t worry”.  I can not tell you the number of times I have had these amazingly strong people in my healing room hysterical crying telling me how they are tired of everyone telling them how strong they are.  No one is invincible.  It doesn’t matter how “strong,” you think someone is.  Everyone needs support every now and again. 

1. Acknowledge – When someone shares horrible news simply acknowledge what they are sharing.  Let them know how sorry you are that they are going through this. Please do not try to share something that has happened to you at that moment. 

I will never forget a woman who came to me years ago.  She had just lost her husband and was beside herself with grief.  She shared a story with me of how she had a neighbor who had come up to her and said, (and I am NOT making this up) “I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you feel as I just lost my dog”.  I am completely serious!   NOT the right thing to say at that moment!  It is ALWAYS better to just acknowledge the person’s feelings.

1. Support – Ask what you can do to help them.  Do not tell them how you are going to help them and please do not tell them what you think they need.  It is always better to let them tell you what they need.  If they aren’t sure what they need at that moment, then just let them know that you are there to support them in whatever way they need.

Do not show up at their door unannounced.  Do not buy them a ticket for a show without asking.  Remember that what you might want to do to help them may not be what they need at that moment. If you have a great idea make sure you run it by them first to make sure they think it is a good idea!

1. Check-In – a quick text, email, a phone call is all you need.  Just let them know you are thinking of them and you are there for them.  That’s it!  

Nowadays everyone has a phone!  Set an alarm, put a note on your calendar to remind you to do a quick check-in.  I can’t tell you how much it will mean to them.  

1. STAY IN YOUR LANE – unless you are a licensed therapist don’t play one. Sometimes there are going to be things that we are just not able to help with.  Sometimes we need to love someone enough to tell them they need to seek out help!  

In the last few weeks, I have met so many people who are dealing with unimaginable trauma, loss, and grief.  They are my heroes!  Those who get up every day and deal with things in the best way they know-how.  I want to say to all of you if you are struggling please reach out to the right people!   As I told someone recently, you do not NEED to go to therapy….you DESERVE to go to therapy!  You deserve to work with a professional who can assist you and provide you with the tools you need to move forward in the best way for you.

In the last few weeks, I have been baffled by the stories I have been told from others about the lack of support they have been given from the people around them.  Sadly, I can relate.  To all of you I say, don’t waste your time trying to figure out why someone is NOT doing something.  Just know that there are ALWAYS people who are ready, willing, and able to be there for you!  You just have to make sure you are reaching out to the right people!

And most importantly…. a heartfelt thank you to those of you who have gone above and beyond for me!  There are no words to express my appreciation!